When the Transformation Reverses

I once thought that this was it. 

I finally lost weight, I was finally comfortable in my skin, I finally had a solid workout routine, and I finally knew how to fuel my body with proper portions and healthy foods. And this was how it was going to be for forever now. I was a #transformationtuesday #girlboss #fitmama #allthehashtags



And then being a full time working mom happened.
And being a new classroom teacher happened.
And then the holidays happened.
And getting ready for Harper's birthday party happened.
And then I spent every other evening after work at the hospital with my grandmother happened.
And then my grandmother passed away happened.
And then not caring about my health happened.
And then my weight loss transformation reverse happened.

It happens.
LIFE HAPPENS.
And for some, this may always just happen. Me too, girl. Me too.

For awhile, I was one of those people who every Tuesday posted a transformation of myself and my progress. #transformationtuesday #fitmama #eyeroll #yougetthepicture. I had several motives behind these posts, and I still follow a few people who post them too with similar motives. And through these posts that I've looked back on of my own and ones I see now from girls sharing their transformations, I see something that kinda bothers me now. And here's what it is...

I see girls painting a negative picture of their old selves, and to me, it's just kinda sad.

I look at those two pictures above, and I think wow, what a difference.

When I used to look at that first picture, I used to see a girl who was overweight, uncomfortable in her new role as a mother and unsure of how to bounce back to the pre-baby bod. She went into the hospital weighing 186 pounds and leaving not much less - well, at least 6 pounds, 13 ounces less. She lost her grandfather right after her child was born, and her relationship with her husband was strained because hello, first time parent/newborn priorities.

And honestly, that girl in the second picture, well she used that picture for motivation.
One might think it was motivation to get her post-baby body back to "normal" - whatever the heck that is. But really, she was using it as motivation to get girls who look like the first picture, who feel like most would assume that girl is feeling in the first picture to join her awesome new challenge group and feel as amazing and swell (did I just use the word swell?) as the second girl looks and probably feels now. I mean wow, that second girl must be a whole lot happier and healthier than girl number one, and why wouldn't you want to be her???

I'm hoping we're all laughing at how stupid that sounds right about now because weight loss and Transformation Tuesday pictures shouldn't determine your self-worth and value.

I completely understand why #transformationtuesday is actually - a thing.
We paint ugly pictures of our old selves to make our new selves seem that much more grand. In a social media world, likes and comments feed our self-worth on a regular basis. To show the world how far we've come, how crappy we used to feel, and how insecure we used to be compared to the ego boost we feel now. And maybe for some, painting an ugly picture of how crappy we used to be as humans and how wonderful we are now helps sell workouts and shakes. ;) (you can send your hate mail straight to my email address ladies or better yet, use it as motivation in your next social media posts)

I looked back on some of my old transformation posts and noticed a few things. I talked about how insecure and unhappy I was postpartum. I shared how I hated myself in a bathing suit, and even hated myself in pictures. I shared that I had a lot of self-doubt, and how many things I tried and failed at. I lacked accountability I mentioned in several posts, and I didn't have a "place." How freaking NEGATIVE does this sound? It sounds like I was a miserable human being. And maybe to some extent I did feel these things, but what's more sad about this - is the fact that even though I was overweight, I didn't understand how to eat right, and I lacked a solid workout regime, I never ever should look at myself that negatively - EVER.

Even if maybe we do feel pretty crappy, why do we as women view ourselves in such a negative light to begin with? Why does this have to be a thing?

If it's to sell something or make people want to feel as awesome as you, what message are we sending to other women who are actually currently living in your old shoes and can't afford to pay $200 for shakes and workouts? What message are we sending to young girls and even our daughters if we post on social media about how disgusting we used to feel when we looked like this and weighed this?

Are we telling the girl who just had a baby that she should feel like she has no place in the world because now she has to worry more about keeping this tiny human alive while feeling like a milking cow with raging hormones? 

Are we telling the girl who is 50 lbs overweight that really she should feel pretty crappy about herself, and the only thing that will make her feel better is losing those 50 lbs and joining your accountability group? 

Are we telling the single mom who works double shifts to support her two kids that she must feel pretty crappy about swinging through McDonald's after work and grabbing something off the dollar menu to feed herself and her children because she's completely exhausted and too broke to cook a healthy meal at home? 

Are we telling the full time teacher who just watched her grandmother suffer for two weeks, who is trying to survive the holidays and her child's birthday party, take care of her 50 kids at school, her own child, and be a wife that because she gained almost 20 pounds that she is less than you because you can stick with a workout routine and eat healthy more consistently than her?

By you telling how awful you felt about yourself before you did XYZ and your transformation, are your negative words sending the wrong message whether you mean for them to or not? Maybe. I don't think anybody is doing this intentionally, at least I hope not. But maybe, just maybe - you're doing this without intent.

Or maybe you really did feel awful about yourself, and you're so proud of how far you've come and that's why you share. And if the latter is the case, why do we allow ourselves to feel so unworthy of happiness even if we don't have life completely figured out and perfect? Especially something as challenging as maintaining your health and fitness in a world that requires so much out of you but little or no time to do it ALL.

We do this to ourselves because we aren't allowing ourselves any GRACE.
Yes, GRACE.

Everything that I listed above about my personal battles are most definitely excuses. I can't deny that. If being a healthy version of myself was a top priority then I would have found the time to squeeze in 20 minutes of exercise or said no to the fast food hamburger because it was quick and easy on my way home from the hospital. But here's the thing, I didn't care. It wasn't important to me. I was not mentally ready to make me and my health a priority. I was in survival mode almost every day for two months. And through this whole roller coaster of weight gain again, I've done one thing different than I EVER have before - I've given myself GRACE.

I could have easily fallen down the same wormhole as I was before my comment worthy transformations I shared on social media. For the last two months I could have said...

I'm not good enough.
I hate my body.
I suck at eating healthy.
I can't even exercise like I should.
I have no accountability.
I have no place anymore.
I don't even know who I am.
I can never lose this weight.
I can't do this.

But this time around, I refused to do that. What good is this negative self talk going to get me? What good is this negative self talk going to get YOU? News flash: Nowhere. I am fully capable of eating healthy and following a workout routine. Although my body has lumps and bumps, and maybe jiggle a little more than I'd like, this body can do some amazing things. I can hold myself accountable. I know who I am, and where I need to be at this point in my life. I just needed some rest. I needed to rest parts of my life to give energy to others.
And guess what, that's okay.

And it's okay for YOU too also.
So, instead of drowning in self pity and negative mantras, give yourself GRACE ladies as you're working through one part of your life for another. We all know that eating healthy and working out has SO many benefits, there's no denying this or pretending like this shouldn't be important. It most definitely should be important. But sometimes, knowing when to shift your focus on other things is acceptable for awhile - just not maybe forever.

So, while girls continue to post their transformations and tell their stories about their journeys and amazing new results, my hope would be to change the approach. Instead of painting such negative pictures of our "old selves" and possibly hurting girls rather than helping them, maybe we can start saying "Girl, give yourself some grace." 

To the mom who can barely think straight with her new baby: Tell her instead of feeling lost in who she is, encourage her to keep pushing forward and know that eventually, they'll find a new version of themselves by giving themselves grace - not just workouts and accountability groups only. 

Instead of sending the message to the girl that's 50 lbs over weight that when you were that size you felt insecure and unhappy, tell her she's beautiful the way she is, but if she wants to make a change she has the willpower to do it. 

Instead of telling the mom who swings by McDonalds and hits up the dollar menu that her choices for her and her family are lazy and the easy way out, let her know that you understand how hard that must be and we've all been there before.

As for the girl in the first picture up there, I would tell her how beautiful she looks as a new mom. That although she didn't feel completely content in her new role and skin, that she's strong and capable of creating a healthier version of herself for not only her own well-being, but for her daughters. Because Lord knows, raising a daughter in this world is tough enough. And that sweet little girl could sure use a mama who looks at her herself, even when feeling down and unsure, that she's perfect the way she is at that moment in her life.

And instead of saying "I'll never ever let myself go back to how crappy and awful I felt as a human being because I weighed 30 pounds more than I do now" to the girl who literally just gained 20 pounds because she let life happen for awhile, why don't we tell her to have grace at this difficult time. And that if you do fall back into old habits, it's okay because you're strong enough to climb back up to the top of your health game. So if the transformation reverses, we're not sitting in a pool of self-pity watching other people's successes, but looking at other people's successes and feeling like WE are capable of the same success no matter the transformation or lack there of by giving ourselves GRACE.