Mourning the Bump

I didn't love being pregnant in the beginning.

Of course, I was excited for this gift that we were given, but I didn't love how it made me feel emotionally and physically at first. I waited and waited for that cute little belly that just screamed, "HEY WORLD, I'M PREGNANT!" But the cute basketball belly just didn't pop like I expected. For the entire first half of my pregnancy (and honestly, probably a few weeks after that) I could hide being pregnant easily. In fact, I remember going back to work after summer break - 20 weeks pregnant - and some coworkers had no clue I was even pregnant. One even said they just thought I had gained some weight...thanks so much.

The truth of the matter was that I was just carrying my baby differently.

Much more in my hips than belly out. Instead of feeling cute and pregnant, I felt like I had taken one too many trips through the buffet line and had a few too many beers along the way. But in time, my cute, so very pregnant belly arrived, just a little more delayed than expected. And once my baby bump  made it's debut, I LOVED being pregnant.

I loved how outfits just looked cuter with my gold sparkly belt wrapped around the top of my belly. I loved the kicks and jabs. I loved that I didn't have to suck in my stomach after eating too much. I loved my maternity leggings and how cozy they were. I loved the baby questions from people. I loved writing my bumpdates every week to see the progress. I loved checking my apps to see how our little girl was growing. I actually loved going to the doctor. 

I really began to love and feel so attached to this belly.

When we had a scare back in November with my blood pressure, I had a moment of panic thinking that I wasn't quite ready for the little one to evacuate. Luckily, it was just that, a scare, and I was sent home to enjoy a couple more weeks of pregnancy. When we eventually scheduled induction day, I felt at peace with leaving my belly behind and welcoming our girl. I thought having a few more days rubbing my belly and feeling those kicks would be perfect. But when we went in for a check-up a few days before our scheduled induction, we were surprised to find that we needed to start induction sooner than expected - that night actually. Not the plan doc, and this girl likes a good plan.

At the time, I had so many thoughts and emotions going through my head, that I didn't realize I wasn't going to be able to soak in any more days of pregnancy. I was so excited to meet this little girl - and a little in shock probably that it was happening so soon - but I forgot to really soak in the last few moments of pregnancy like I wanted.

It was love at first sight meeting Harper. I love her more than I ever thought I possibly could - lets make that very clear. But my labor and delivery (and our six day hospital stay) went NOTHING like I hoped, and honestly, was somewhat traumatic. Part of me wanted to go back in time when I was happy, pregnant, and not miserably sore. When we were able to go home, the postpartum hormones really kicked in. I loved this tiny human so much, but it was so hard.

She cried a lot. I could hardly move around to do simple tasks. I was still having complications post delivery - like remembering to empty this lovely catheter bag strapped to my leg (just putting things into perspective, you know). I MISSED my belly. So bad. I began feeling like I lost somebody close to me despite gaining the most beautiful gift. I thought about all the things I would be missing now. I still looked five months pregnant which didn't help. I thought about how jealous I was of everybody who was still pregnant. I thought about how I already wanted another baby just so I could have my belly back. Cody should win an award of some kind for putting up with my emotional, hormonal butt like a champ.

I felt like my belly was a part of me that was suddenly gone, and I never had a chance to say goodbye, as ridiculous as it sounds. Newborn mama life is hard as hell. My labor and delivery experience wasn't sweet and beautiful. I missed the ease. I missed the normality of the being a mama-to-be rather than a mama to a newborn. Postpartum hormones are no joke. You're on a rollercoaster of emotions, and everything around you has been flipped upside down. My belly became a representation of the old me, and I missed it.

Like everything in life though, things come and go.

Every time I looked at Harper I was reminded about what I gained and not what I was leaving behind. Our days have gotten easier. I'm not nearly as sleep deprived. I feel mommyhood has come pretty natural to me most days. We've created a new norm around here, and I've been able to soak in life with my new baby just like I always hoped I would. It just took a little time, and some hormones to even out. Although, I can't wait to be pregnant again one day - I can wait. I love watching her grow, learn new things, and smile. But that's exactly what I want to do - enjoy our new normality as a family of three for a good while. I'll probably have another bump again one day, but these precious days with Harper are once in a lifetime and I would hate to miss out.

R.I.P. Baby Bump

I gained so much more than what I lost.